Tag Archives: comedy

Cutting Comedy: Passover Greetings from Jared and Ivanka (Not Really)

This is Norma speaking: Tonight is the first night of Passover. We will all be praying, regardless of our beliefs, for liberation from this on-going affliction we call coronavirus. A dear friend in Philadelphia (I know her from Oaxaca) writes comedy. She doesn’t publish it, except to send her pieces out periodically to friends and family. I am swooning in admiration for her cutting wit and genius. This is all her original material. She needs to be hired by Saturday Night Live. Meanwhile, I received her permission to post — anonymously. She doesn’t want to receive hate mail. You can send hate mail to me.

Passover Greetings from Jared and Ivanka

As you may know the Jewish Holiday of Passover begins today, April 8, at sundown. As a public service I am pleased to turn this newsletter over to the best, most fabulous, amazingly Jewish Jew, Jared Kushner! Jared will explain to us the meaning of Passover and the seder plate, as he, Ivanka and 25 members of their family gather, at the home of top Jew and white nationalist, Stephen Miller. 

Great to see you all, especially without those unattractive masks! As Dad would say, you women look like COWS in those masks! Anyway, Passover is a time for family, for gathering around a table and expressing gratitude for our freedom, which is a luxury not afforded to many people around the world, such as those children in holding pens at the border, forcibly separated from their parents and exposed to a pandemic. 

The story of how the Jews became free from slavery in the land of Egypt is told during the seder, a ritual service and ceremonial dinner. One of our customs is to open our door and set out a cup of wine for the prophet Elijah who arrives to announce the coming of the Messiah and to encourage the Jewish people to do what’s right and to STEER CLEAR OF FALSE GODS.!!!!!!!!!! This year Elijah will be coming from Sweden or Norway; prophets from sh—h— countries will not be welcomed in or given wine. This year is also special because we are waging war on an insidious enemy! As Churchill said during World War ll: “ We will fight them on the beaches, on the landing grounds, in the fields; in the streets and in the hills—and we shall never surrender!” Yes—we will be fighting the CDC, the environmentalists, the free press, and every  adult in the room!!! We will fight them in the Supreme court, in the halls of the Senate, on the golf courses and in NATO if we have to——and we shall never surrender!!

Traditionally, the youngest child asks the 4 questions, that inquire “why is this night different from all other nights?” If you don’t mind, I will just skip ahead to the answers on this one. The main answer is that this night IS NOT DIFFERENT FOR ME!!!!! As the Senior, most Senior grand poobah, Little Prince, special, most special, best special, more than special, special advisor to the TROLL-IN-CHIEF, I am conducting BUSINESS AS USUAL!!!!!!! That includes:

*first and foremost, continuing to file eviction and debt collection lawsuits at my properties!

* bringing peace to the Middle East (any day now. I’m personal friends with Mohammed bin Salman and schmooze with  him all the time on WHAT’S APP)!

 *studying for my on-line medical degree (I already know everything there is to know about the coronavirus, I just don’t have that piece of paper!!)

*checking to make sure that Dad is still #1 on Facebook!!!

 *making sure that the supply of masks, gowns and other protective gear needed for a pandemic are SAFELY STORED UNDER LOCK AND KEY in “our” Federal stockpile

 *getting a federal coronavirus response website up and running in time for effective prevention and the saving of thousands of lives

 * submitting Dad’s name  and paperwork for the Nobel prize

 * scouring the country to recruit more entitled whitebread misogynistic, fratboy candidates for future Supreme Court positions! Lots of meeting with Mitch McConnell on this one!!

 * trying to get Mary Barra, the CEO of GM to make ventilators. I think she can do the job because she is not as bad looking as Carly Fiorina. 

 * working to expand the recent voter suppression efforts in Wisconsin to other states!

* teaming up with Stephen Miller on a new print and online newspaper, “FAKE JEWS”!!!!!


So, back to Passover. In the Bible, plagues were rained down on Egypt for not releasing the Jews from slavery: stuff like locusts, boils, blood. In modern lingo these plagues are climate change scientists; Nancy Pelosi; the free press; Socialists– who are receiving food stamps, Medicaid, subsidized housing, or federal unemployment extensions; LGBTQ people; unattractive women; the English language; empathy; compassion; and common sense. We will fight them on the beaches, etc. etc. The worst plague was the smiting of the firstborn son in every household. The Jews were spared because they knew in advance to put an X on their doors so the Angel of Death would Pass Over their homes. Except for the Jews, all the other firstborn sons were slain!!!!!!!!!!!!! In modern times, the first born son would, of course be Andrew Cuomo!!!!!!!!!! Enough said, if you get my point!!!!!!!!

So now i will walk you through the meaning of foods on the seder plate. They are all symbols meant to remind us that the Jews went from slavery to freedom.

* SHANK BONE  symbol of the special sacrifice made by the Jews on the eve of the exodus from Egypt. In modern terms, this commemorates the special sacrifice made by Dad to close Mar-A-Lago and also for sharing some rolls of toilet paper with close members of the White House staff

*HARD BOILED EGG represents the continuing cycle of life and the  will to survive of the Jewish people. This  is so appropriate for my wife who has the will to survive the temporary closing of her handbag and jewelry manufacturing factories in China. Hard boiled eggs also reference her DD breast implants. 

*BITTER HERBS remind us of the bitterness of slavery. In modern times, this refers to the bitterness of the crybaby governors who are not nice to Dad!

 *VEGETABLE, usually parsley, that is dipped in salt water to symbolize he tears of slavery, as well as spring and the spirit of hope and faith in the future.  We don’t have parsley, so i just shredded the money we would  pay our cook, our nanny, our driver and our cleaning people who would normally be coming in to work but now they aren’t. Shredded bills really look like parsley!! yay!

SWEET PASTE/HAROSET  usually made with apples, walnuts and red wine,  it represents what Jewish slaves used to make bricks and mortar for their overlords; it also stands for the sweetness of freedom. In modern times this stands for the bricks, mortar and  gold leaf of the Trump Hotels; it also stands for the sweetness of freedom still enjoyed by the all the maids who work there who have not yet been detained or deported by ICE!!

And finally, some of you may want to know why we eat matzah on Passover. Well, when the Jews had to flee Egypt, they had to take off in a hurry, before they had time for their bread to rise. So today we eat matzah, which is unleavened bread, and is also called the bread of affliction. And Ivanka and i know from affliction. We had to cancel a pre-paid ski vacation because of the impeachment trial!!!

At the end of the service it’s traditional to say: Next year in Jerusalem!!!

Signing off with love, the most special of all the special advisors who have ever been  and will ever be special, Jared and Ivanka

Ivanka at “take your daughter to work day!!”  Soooo proud!!


Flattening the Curve. Comic Relief. Mexico Next?

Coming to California from Mexico was going to be a family reunion. All that changed in a flash. I arrived at my son’s in Huntington Beach after diligently sanitizing every airplane surface I could touch. My hands are raw from washing and sanitizer. Small sacrifices. Every sniffle and cough is alarming. I’m hoping it’s allergies. One site I read says, if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds without coughing or chest tightness, you don’t have it.

Nature hike today, Bolsa Chica Wetlands, Huntington Beach, CA

Hard to know what to believe.

A recurring theme: TP out of stock. Our back-up is tissue, then paper napkins.

Meanwhile, the party we were all going to was cancelled and we decided to stay put, institute social distancing and flatten the curve: sister and brother-in-law in Santa Cruz, and brother in Thousand Oaks. I’m here chilling and cooking with my boy. I’m sure we all have similar stories.

In Chicago, no fresh produce

Meanwhile, I brought four rolls of toilet paper from Mexico and eight bottles of hand sanitizer. There is no TP to be found in Southern California. I’m getting photos from friends in Denver, Santa Fe and Chicago that shelves are bare. We have resorted to paper napkins as back-up. I’m rationing as I wipe.

Decorator paper, California bathroom — hoarding countrywide

Now for the Comic Relief. I received an email from my friend Ellen Benson. I suggested after reading this that she become a Stand Up Comic. She said her only gig was the Oaxaca Lending Library presentation she gave in February when she mistook the podium lamp for a microphone. She gave me permission to share this with you:

“Hi all! I came home from Oaxaca on Wednesday, March 4, which now seems like many weeks ago! No one on the plane or at the airport had on masks or gloves and i saw very little wiping down of surfaces. So, in the face of a potentially lethal worldwide epidemic, i did what i was born to do,  and a few days later i went to Marshall’s!! Actually i was on my way to Target, and i have to confess that i grabbed a shopping cart without a second thought. I also grabbed a 4 pack bundle of kleenex, paper towels, liquid hand soap, granola bars, peanut butter crackers and purified water. Later, at the food co-op where i toted the shopping basket without wiping it down, i added mango popsicles, tomato sauce, chocolate chip cookies and canned string beans (which i rarely eat, but this time may be different!) and i  went to the ATM and then pumped gas, without wearing gloves! And of course i’ve had no guidance from any authorities on whether plucking a beard hair, fiddling with my hair and putting in earplugs to mask zak’s snoring, count as touching my face!

“I had lunch with Rita, at highpoint Cafe WHERE I TOUCHED THE BATHROOM DOOR HANDLE ON THE WAY IN, but used a paper towel to grab it on the way out, thank goddess. Of course i leaned on the counter and then pulled out my chair—but that was just for a few seconds. The real problem is that Harin joined us and SHE HAD JUST RETURNED FROM SEATTLE THE NIGHT BEFORE! So—this may be the last newsletter i ever write. I just called the Phila Health Dept hotline to find out what it means for me that my husband is still going to work at a senior citizen health care facility, but the voicemail message that told me to stay on the line, also said i was 67th in the order of calls!

“So now i have reverted to what i was born to do in an emergency if i can’t go to Marshall’s: i am stuffing myself with starches, fats and sugars. I had planned to go back to Weight Watchers when i got back from Mexico but hey, it’s NOT MY FAULT THEY MEET IN GROUPS IN SMALL SPACES!! I do wash my hands a lot. however i know it’s supposed to be big lathers and long enough to say the whole alphahebt, but i keep getting stuck at “P” and the lather is pretty weak. I guess i should not have bought the hand soap at DOLLAR GENERAL.  None of this is as bad as the reporter who actually asked if we should stay away from Chinese food! As everyone knows, you should only stay away from Chinese food that uses recipes from Wuhan!

“So now it’s days later and i’m wearing rubber gloves (but only to brush my teeth), have wipes and purell everywhere, have bought the last 3,000 rolls of toilet paper in the city (no logical explanation except other people felt it was important), and am at home because everything’s cancelled and i hate taking walks in nature. I would love to use a 50% off coupon at MICHAEL’S but have to keep telling myself it’s not worth it, even if the Lord and Taylor shoe department is right next door.  My plan is to clean out my studio, make art, try cooking something, talk on the phone a lot, give myself a pedicure, and of course, to write to YOU!!

Are we having fun yet? love, ellen”

I stuffed 4 rolls into my luggage; packed 8 bottles sanitizer

As for Mexico, the minister of public health says the virus will hit in full force between March 20 and March 30.

Shelley brings Jacob a care package

Anyone traveling from Mexico to the USA should bring a suitcase filled with TP and hand-sanitizer and distribute it to family and friends upon arrival, and before Mexico goes crazy about tushie hygiene, too.

Stay healthy, everyone. I’m trying my best.

Love, Norma

A walk did wonders for our mental health

Next big question: Should we eat out at a restaurant tonight? What do you think?

New Yorker cover this week!

Take Heart Day, Dear Valentine, A Parody: Breaking News by Ellen Benson

Ellen Benson, my Oaxaca artist friend who has wintered here for the past umpteen years, wrote these three pieces in the voice of Agent Orange as her way of getting through the political grief and PTSD that many of us experience.  Ellen is  the famed Philadelphia Dumpster Diver Diva and her art also reflects the way she sees the world.

Our Oaxaca hearts stretch out to you around the world

I hope you enjoy this. It is witty and funny. Perfect for a Take Heart Day.  I asked her permission to share it with you. I think we need this.

ONE: Congratulations from Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny

Yesterday Santa Claus called from the North Pole to congratulate me. Yes he is real,  and i’ve known him personally for many, many years. A fantastic, fantastic guy. He promised: no presents going to Mexico!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To keep those presents here,  Mike Pence has given Santa Air Force One, since I have my own plane,  but all reindeer will keep their jobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. The Mexican children will get coal in their stockings which will also help the coal industry make a comeback. A win/win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Santa will be working directly with Ben Carson to move all low income housing to the border!!! Not just walls but whole housing complexes!!!!!!!!!! I’ve put Jared Kushner in charge, but Santa and 3 mice will administer the “blind trust.” Let’s see if the “failing New York Times “ even reports this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also got a call from the Easter Bunny. Yes he is real, i know his whole huge family. A terrific terrific guy. He called to report that his personal hackers have found that a hamburger joint in D. C. has been putting pot in all its deluxe burgers with fries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This hamburger joint is a front for the Clinton Foundation. Jewish columnists Tom Friedman and Paul Krugman have been seen in the vicinity. Information verified by National security Advisor-elect Mike Flynn!!!!!!!! Enough said!!!!!!!!! I’ve not even been sworn in and already Mike is arranging a  landing pad for UFO’s on the White House roof!!!!!!! Good work Mike.

The Tooth Fairy was also on the line but I couldn’t take her call. Yes, she is real. I definitely know her. On her day off from overseeing  her teeth- for -money program, she does hair dye jobs. And she’s the best. The very best. 

Melania and Ivanka are busily planning the inauguration. Unfortunately, due to construction on the White House to make it look more like the Hermitage, the inauguration will be held in New York. Any country where i have business dealings will have the chief executives of its BIGGEST COMPANIES invited to the festivities!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing expected in return!!!! this is how business is done!  Many of these execs are graduates of Trump University —so you can bet they understand the Art of the Deal!!!!! We are just now nailing down the entertainment. Very exclusive. Very in-demand.  It’s top secret classified but I’m the President-elect so i can tell whoever i want. The star attraction at the biggest and best inaugural ball will be the cast of the new musical, “PUTIN”!!!!!! Very hard to get tickets—believe me!!!  

TWO:  Breaking News, A Call From Humpty Dumpty

Mar-A-Lago seems to be sinking so I called in Al Gore just to hear his preposterous statements that people, like the overwhelming landslide number of people who absolutely love me, are the cause of so-called global warming. He thought i would offer him a Cabinet position but he did not give me a huge campaign donation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And even after his movie and speaking engagements he is not yet a billionaire or even a multi-millionare and he never even worked for Goldman or Exxon or even the World Wrestling Federation!!!! A loser! Everyone knows there is NO AIR POLLUTION IN THE USA!!!!!!! The Chinese have been manufacturing it cheaply and shipping it over here!!!!! I don’t need a focus group to know why Mar-A-Lago is sinking—my very large, enormous and gigantic brain tells me everything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   And it is verified by my National Security Advisor Mike Flynn—The problem is caused by the lost continent of Atlantis rising!!!!!!!!!! Also—he saw a man jumping over the moon—and everyone knows the moon controls the tides!!!!! There will be a big big investigation of this after Jan 20!!!!

My good friend Humpty Dumpty called to warn me that many people want to see me fall!! I’m sick of all the lying media criticizing my Cabinet appointments!!!!!!! They have about as much credibility as Graydon Carter’s failing VANITY FAIR restaurant reviewer in the things he said about the Trump Grill!!!!!!!!!!Terrific terrific restaurant!!! Chris Christie and Jack Sprat love it!!!!!!!!!  I took Mitt Romney there!!!!! People think it was to discuss Secretary of State job. WRONG!! Obviously it was for Mitt to convince me as to why i should endorse his niece for RNC chair over the very very qualified BABAR, who i may still change my mind and endorse!!! And i keep creating jobs! just this week alone, i opened up positions at Goldman Sachs and at Exxon!!

Ben Carson was honest enough to admit that he knows nothing about housing or running a government agency. That’s refreshing! Just the kind of experience I’m looking for! He tells me his decisions will be guided by the invisible hand of the market. Rep. Tom Price will not only repeal Obamacare but will cut out all waste in the Medicaid and Medicare programs. As I’ve said many times, it is a BIG FAT WASTE to cover disabled people!!! We will keep the good parts of Obamacare: lobotomies, breast enhancement and hair transplants will still be covered. 

Full steam ahead on the inauguration!. Kanye West, if he had voted, said he would have voted for me!!!!! We are working in how to blend mental health meltdowns, inflammatory tweets and the Kardashians into a program that THE WHOLE COUNTRY WILL LOVE!!!!!! There will be heavy- duty medication at every banquet table instead of flowers!!!! (Kanye’s idea!  Brilliant!!)The Breitbart event will be giving out free taco bowls and free tickets to the new big hit musical PUTIN!!! which Rex Tillerson and I are backing!!!!!! And of corse, catering by Hardee’s! Kudos to Labor Secretary-elect Andy Puzder for a brilliant idea: food of the little guy! All servers at the inauguration will get free Hardee’s gift certificates in lieu of minimum wage! Can’t wait to see Ivanka’s dress! The president of Taiwan made it herself!!!!

THREE: Breaking News, I would have won the New Hampshire primary

I just want to remind the American public that i would have won in New Hampshire if outside voters had not been bussed in by the thousands, a FACT that is WIDELY KNOWN!!!!!!!!! What you don’t know because the failing New York Times refuses to report it, is that drones also transported hundreds and hundreds of people from Nigeria and Ivory Coast  to polling places in North Carolina and other places EVEN THOUGH THOSE PLACES ARE HARD TO FIND because we had to shut down so many polling places where the blacks might vote!!!! Some of Obama’s Kenyan friends got in too! Somehow they found polling places and i will have the FBI look into it!!!!!! I will have a floating wall built the length of the Atlantic Ocean to prevent such blatant disregard of our borders. As we speak, Mike Flynn is trying to shut down the underground tunnels to the pizza parlor in DC that is now the hub of voter fraud activities!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAD!!!!!!

I am sooooo proud of Jack Kingston, Representaive of Georgia for his stand against free lunches for poor children! of course they should sweep cafeteria floors to earn their keep and learn the value of a buck! My little Ivanka had to go all the way to China to check out the floors of the manufacturing sweatshops that make her clothing line !!!!They made her look through fabric swatches for hours before they even gave her an egg roll for lunch!! And when they were kids, Donald Jr. and Eric had to pick up all their candy wrappers from the floor of the limo, right outside the BEST PRIVATE SCHOOL in the U.S., maybe the world!!! —before their private chef would even give them a taste of their grilled salmon with caviar!!!!!!! 

And contrary to what the lying media are saying, the fCalifornia  armers are doing just great!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, we did have to round up thousands of their best workers and put them on cattle cars back to those swamps they came from!! !! But now, under my new regime, poor school children can be hired after school to work off their subsidized health care!!!! It’s a WIN-WIN!!!!

Can’t wait til Neil Gorsuch is confirmed!! EVERYONE wants him!!!!!!!!! He has told me privately that not only are corporations PEOPLE with rights to free speech, but cars and refrigerators are people too!!!!!! That’s why the new cars  cars  can drive themselves!!!!! Next year, cars and refrigerators get the vote in all red states!!!! And—cheeseburgers, in their role as citizens, are inundating the Republican party with contributions to fund our agenda, whatever it may be!! Even the little guys—Big Mac Jrs.— are getting in on it with small but important contribtions!!! 

Putin requested that nukes be considered people but i’ll let Gorsuch decide—we DO have separation of powers, you know!!!!